Is the grass REALLY not greener on the other side?

As the end of 2015 quickly approaches, the last few days are typically the time where I reevaluate my life, my decisions, the choices I have made.  What could I have done differently? Who am I? What do I need to do to make the next year....better.  What can I do to make myself, better? I was talking to a friend of mine who told me, "the grass is not greener".  As I look around at my life, my husband, my boys, my family and friends.  I look at every single one of those relationships, the good, the bad, the ugly.  I also look around, when I'm out,at the people I do not know.  The older couple, holding hands.....they've probably been married for 50+ years.  I see the mom at Target, with her box of coupons and 3 kids, screaming.  I can see her trying to hold it together, just long enough to get out of the store and to get the kids into the car.  Once she sits down, I hope she takes a deep breathe, pats herself on the back and says to herself, "you did it".  I see married couples, young couples, same sex couples, couples of different races/nationalities....some with smiles on their faces, others arguing, some, so in love, you have to wonder when the honeymoon phase will wear off....or maybe it won't.  This same friend and I have also had the discussion of, "who has the perfect relationship"? Does it really exist? And if it does, for how long? I've been married for 13+ years.  B is my rock.  B accepts me for me, doesn't question, trusts me 110% and loves me unconditionally.  Is that enough? Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it's not.  When we are sitting in a room together and we are both on our phones, it's not.  When he is working his ass off, both at work and at school and as a dad, it should be enough, but I want more.  Does this make me selfish? Or does it make me long for the honeymoon phase, where we were living in different states and would talk on the phone for hours.  When we were together, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.  There was no stress, it was fun.  Maybe I miss the fun? Fun now involves a, house, dog and 4 kids.  All of which I thank God for every.single.day. At the same time, I dream about the day where B and I can get away, for a day, a night, a weekend, a week (ok, I'm pushing it).  I think it's easy to get off track.  To forget about what is really important.  To focus on what is fucked up, instead of what is good and what has remained constant.  2015 has been an amazing year with wonderful moments shared with extremely special people...I don't think the grass can get much greener than that.

Look out 40, I'm ready

Stay tuned....this girl is back in blogging action....

Be the change....

Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world".  Pretty profound shit.  What he didn't say was to change or become anything other than who you are, regardless of who's asking.  Instead, constantly work on becoming the best version of yourself.   I think we all struggle with self acceptance.  Some probably more (hand raise) than others. A few nights ago, my oldest was playing on the xbox with one of his friends. Technology, while I feel I'm pretty hip, still amazes me.  His friend was at his house and O was at ours.  I could hear the conversation that O was having with him and it was obvious O was getting upset.  After a few minutes, he came upstairs crying.  Now here's the deal, I will let my kids handle shit on their own, I really try not to get involved, BUT when you make my kid cry, ALL bets are off. This kid, who O claims is a "really great" friend, kept making the same stupid comment to him, even though O asked him repeatedly to stop.  O is a lot like his mama, he can and will hold a lot in, but once it reaches that limit, that point where your fucking head is going to explode, look out.  I sat down with him that night and we talked about friendship and kindness and no matter who you are, or what you do, your real friends will ALWAYS have your back and never expect you to be anything more or anyone different than who you are.   With friendship comes honesty, trust and a true understanding that we are who we are, and even on our best days and our worst days, our friends accept us, regardless.  They don't try to change us. The people I want to be around accept me, for me.  They don't ask me to be anyone different, ever.  I hope as O, and the rest of the crew get older, they will hold onto the dear friendships that they have made along the way, toss to the curb that assholes that make me want to put my kids in a bubble, and just be kind fucking human beings, and know that there are good people in this world...hold onto these people, they will be your lifeline, forever.  Life is not always easy, it's not always fun, but at the end of the day, it's what you make of it, everyday.  It's who you choose to surround yourself with and who you chose to break free from when when you know the fight is no longer worth fighting for.

Girls just wanna have fun

As I slowly, ever so slowly, creep upon my 40th birthday, a few things have become crystal clear.  I am in such a great place right now...physically, emotionally, mentally.  I am having the time of my life.  I am surrounded by people who love me, for me.  I want to laugh, I want to dance, I want to smile....a smile goes such a long way.  I want to meet people, catch up with long lost friends and laugh, fucking laugh until my face hurts.  I want to share stories, talk about my kids, learn about your life. Life is short, really fucking short. You never know. You've got to enjoy every.single.day, no regrets. I want to keep it real and honest. I don't want it to be serious. Serious is boring.  I want to see my friends at brunch, which carries over to happy hour, which turns into midnight.  I want to watch my husband skip around the place like he owns it, with that goofy fucking smile on his face.  I want to talk to my sister, on the other side of the world and scream, "YOU made it, YOU are almost home." I want to hug my kids and let them know that no matter what they do in life, good, bad, ugly, I will be there for them and I will always remind them what remarkable, amazing human beings they are.   I want to meet new people and carry on conversations like I've known them for years.  I want to bump into old acquaintances and catch up as if not a minute went by.  I want you to smile, always, because I am always smiling back at you, wherever we are. Let's fly.

#truth #noregrets

You talk too much....

Run D.M.C had it going on when they wrote this song.  Have you ever met someone that seriously talks and talks, repeating themselves, while contradicting themselves?  Saying the same shit over and over again.  I've heard it all, 100 times before, but sure, I'd love to hear it again. I think it may be a nervous tendency?  Or maybe, you are not as confident as you say you are?  I've got news for you, it's okay to be you.  I actually like the real you.  You should be that person more often.  Like everytime we communicate.   My favorite is when it's just a shit storm of complete and utter bullshit that comes out of their mouths.  I let these people talk, because at the end of the day, I truly believe that THEY believe what they are saying.  Who am I to try to change that? Who I am to cut them off and remind them of what they said earlier? Sure, I could tell you that yesterday you said something completely different.  Most certainly I could remind you that you texted and said that, which totally contradicts what you are saying now.  BUT, it's not my place.  So, instead, I will sit and listen, because I care about you.  I really do care about you, as a person and as my friend.   I've learned that sometimes it's better when I keep my mouth shut.  Some things are better left unsaid. I have walls built for a reason people, it's to keep this kind of chaos out. Ain't nobody got time for that. In all seriousness, as I've gotten older, I've become much more honest with myself and with others. I expect the same from my people.   I am, who I am, all of the time.  I don't justify it, I don't twist and turn it, I own it, I feel it, I will most certainly tell you, it's my story and I'm sticking to it....always, every.damn.day.   Yep, I have feelings, we all do and it's okay, I promise. Sometimes it's scary as hell, it doesn't always make sense, but I own it.  We should all just fucking own it. ~Namaste.

Blame it on the Rain

I've done some crazy shit in my life.  My hope would be that we all have.  We all deserve to get a little nutty once in awhile.  I don't have many regrets, however, I know along the way I've hurt a few people and I probably didn't make the best choices.  I sometimes think I'm invincible.  Growing up, I could pretty much get away with anything and my dad would bail me out.  I think he understood...silently, because he too, was far from perfect. I do believe in karma and it scares the shit out of me.  I also believe that we are responsible for the choices that we make.   We have the choice NOT to do something if it has the potential to hurt someone else.  Sometimes, the heart overrules the mind and the gut, and this is when things go haywire.   I'm not good with apologies and I don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  I would rather push you away, than allow you to get to close.  I have a permanent wall, that has been built over time.  It's strong as shit and only a select few are allowed inside.  Once you are in, please do not screw it up.  It's kind of an oxymoron.  I am one of the most imperfect people yet I expect you to be perfect.  I love deeply, probably to easily.  I want the best for people, not always for myself.  I want to love, always, unconditionally, without question, not only when it's convenient. I want to be loved, as I am...all of me.  I want my boys to be great men.  Hardworking, loving, loyal, trustworthy.  I want them to be good partners, husbands, fathers, friends. I want them to make mistakes, to get into trouble and I want to be there every step of the way.  I want them to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to say you are sorry.  It's okay to not always be the best version of yourself.  As I head into the last few months of my 39th year, I want to be happy.  I want the next few months to be a beautiful transformation of who I am, not who I want to be.  I want to be more accepting of myself. I want to live freely. I want to be me.

Mama Bear

I tend to take in the people that need it the most.  I'm almost a magnet to those that are SO much like me, yet SO different.  I'm a protector, a mother, a lover, a friend, a mama bear.  I will love you with every, single, living, ounce of my soul....BUT, once you fuck it up, it's done.  I like to make sure that everyone is okay,  that everyone is happy.  I offer good advice, I always make sure your drink is full, and most importantly, I truly want you to be okay.  Am I okay?  Sometimes.  Do I take the advice that I give?  Not always. Do I expect the same love, the same respect that I give?  Probably not.  BUT, I'm working on it, ALL of it, daily.  I was talking to a friend the other day who has been married for a while.  You know the story; work, kids, marriage. It's hard, it's really fucking hard.  And, with everything, it gets old.  It's the truth, it ALL gets old. If you are doing the same job, for years, you are going to get bored.  If you eat the same thing for breakfast, every, single day, it's going to get old.  If you've been married or with the same partner for longer than 5 years...and then you throw kids into the mix,  I have news for you, it's going to get old.  I LOVE my kids, but I'm telling you, it's hard.  It's exhausting. It's a full time job.  SO, you have a few choices; 1. Mix it up so it becomes new again. So the love you once knew comes back, maybe not completely, but it comes back.  2. Bitch about it, to anyone who will listen, while your spouse/significant other probably sits there in the dark thinking everything is A-OK...or they are bitching to their friends about the same thing or 3. Decide to move on, throw in the towel, declare defeat.  We all change, as the years go by.  It's life.  I grew up in a house where there was no moving on.  My parents stayed together, for the sake of our family, and they shouldn't have.  I don't know how much more/less fucked up I would be?  But, I can tell you, I am glad they stayed together....I can't even believe I just typed that.  I lived in a house, under a roof, regardless of their relationship, where I knew I was loved, by two parents and that was okay.  It was good enough.  It was all I knew.  It wasn't perfect, it was highly dysfunctional, and my old therapist referred to it as "Chinese water torture"....I'll never forget that one.   So is okay, good enough?  Some days it is. Shouldn't we want more than just okay?  Of course. For right now, okay is safe. Okay is.....well, it's okay.  For today, okay is good enough.

Dear Human

You're welcome......

#truth

Apparently Thomas Edison and I were homies?

O asked me today if I had certain, "things" growing up, like he has now.  He was wondering if I had a telephone, candles, xbox, iPhone, a kitchen sink??  H looked at him and said, "Ollie, you know mommy's ONLY 39 right?  It's not like she grew up in the 90's."  Wow. This reminded me of the night before O left for camp.  B and I were trying to explain to him how to use a disposable camera.  He couldn't understand why he couldn't see the pictures right away and why he could only take a certain amount of pictures and why he couldn't just delete pictures he didn't want.  He was also having a hard time grasping the concept of looking through the little box and turning on the flash.  It makes you realize how quickly time goes by and how much everything changes.

In order to Spring Forward, you must first Spring Clean

Two and a half hours of yoga tonight, and this is what I know, it's time to do some Spring Cleaning people. Not only do I need to clean out my closet and a few drawers, I need to clean out my mind, my physical state of being. I need to clean the shit out of my life that doesn't serve me, that doesn't help me grow or make me a better person.  I need to do some major spring cleaning....and it starts today.  Tomorrow, I will tackle the house. Right now, starting right now, I will begin decluttering my mind, my life and my actions that do not represent ME...the imperfectly perfect, glorious mess, that I am and that I sometimes lose along the way.... because sometimes, as much as we know we shouldn't, listening to the heart makes more sense than listening the mind.  Goodbye to the thoughts, and to the fantasies that are not, nor will ever be reality.  Goodbye to the garbage, that sometimes occupies my head. Hello to a clear mind and an open heart. God damn it, I'm putting my foot down, both the mind and heart will work together and not against each other.  Hello to five more months of being 39...holy shit. Hello to constantly being surrounded by people who love ME for me, 24-7.  Hello to my beautiful family, to my amazing and supportive husband, and to my crazy..completely insane..super lovable..adorable boys. Last, but most certainly not least, hello to my glorious, GORGEOUS, kick ass Tribe.  I'm ready to do some spring cleaning like a fucking boss, bring it. Goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Cheers to keeping everything close that is most important and letting everything else go with a smile. Namaste.

The "FUN" in Dysfuntion

Everyone has a past.  Everyone has stories.  Everyone has worries, troubles, questions, concerns, issues...we all have issues.  We ALL have issues.  I always say, if you brag about how perfect your life is, how great your kids are, how happy your marriage is, you are a fucking liar.  Yep, I own it.  NO ONE is perfect.  I think imperfection almost makes us more perfect than trying to come off as someone/something that you are not....perfectly imperfect.  People walk into our lives for a reason.   People also walk out of lives for a reason.  To teach us something, to help us, to make us feel okay, to make us feel "normal", to make us reevaluate what is important and what is real.    I met my tribe, all around the same time.  I'm not going into details, but we all came into each others lives at a time (that I think) we ALL needed each other.  The great thing about my tribe, we all know we are fucked up, but we own it.  We all know, that at a drop of a hat, each of us would come running to help the other out....anytime, anywhere.  Past experiences make us who we are, they mold us into who we want to be, they make us consciously aware of what we will become if we don't make a choice to stop the cycle.  I am me.  Every single day, me.  Sometimes not the best version of myself, not always true to myself, not always the best mom or the best wife and probably not the best friend, but I am me.  A girl, with a past that could probably be turned into a book or a lifetime movie.  A girl, in the present, living for the moment, writing my future, no regrets.

Friday is my second favorite F word

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm ready to throw in the towel...for the 100th time that week.  Friday is my second favorite F word.  My first is, Fuck.  Sorry, you can probably stop reading now if that offended you, and you probably won't want to revisit anytime soon, thanks.  I LOVE fucking Friday's.  I know that I do not have to deal with homework, making lunches, packing snacks, showers/baths, finding missing gloves, locating coats, a boot, signing permission slips...I could really go on AND on.  But, instead, I will sit here and sip on my vodka and tonic, before 4pm on FRIDAY BITCHES!!!! I'm in hiding as I type this, tucked away in a corner, hoping my kids will leave me alone for 20 minutes, that's all I ask for, 20 minutes.  I also ask that you do not come in the bathroom when I'm in the shower...in fact, if I'm in the bathroom, don't come in at all and don't call out my name 10 times....Unless the house is burning or someone is hanging from the chandler and can't get down.    5 out of 7 days, M-F from 7am until 6:30pm (that's typically when B gets home), I am; Mom, Mommy, Mama, on repeat, ALL day long.  I am never childless...okay there's nap time.  Did I mention how fucking thankful I am for nap time? How long is M going to nap for?  I'm hoping until he goes to kindergarten and then he is gone all day.  There are times that I will say to the boys, "Mom's not here right now". S will say, "yes you are, you are standing right there". O, who gets it, I think, will say, "Mom needs a time out" and will take the boys downstairs to play.  Mom DOES need a timeout, daily, from;  the questions, the fetching of a glass of water, picking shit up off of the floor, and picking it up again 30 minutes later.  Mom needs a break from having to lay down every single fucking chair in the house so the little doesn't climb up on the counter, table, or anything else that he can use his super human, upper body strength, to gain leverage on.  Bottom line, mommy needs a BREAK!  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my boys with every single ounce of my soul!  I really, really do.  I know, without a doubt that I am a kick ass mother.  However, I am with them through the, goodbyes, hellos, new friends, new school, ups the downs, homework...oh the homework, failed tests, notes from teachers...and I would not have it any other way.  They are my best buddies and my heart is completely full because of them.  That doesn't change the fact that we ALL need a break sometimes. We all need a break from, work, life, kids, and sometimes ourselves.  We deserve it, we all deserve a break and a drink before 4pm on a fucking Friday.

Definition of: Me

I struggle with who I am, daily, always have and probably (but hopefully not) always will.  What I DO know is, I am a free spirit, a lover, a thinker, a dreamer.  These words, these descriptions,  ran through my mind, out of my mouth the other day.  THESE are the qualities that I love most about myself.  THESE are qualities that I will hold on to and will not lose or compromise.  With these qualities come acceptance.  Acceptance of, myself and others.  Acceptance of the person who continually has a shit storm of garbage coming out of their mouth.  Acceptance of the person, that even though I am one funny mother fucker, will not crack a smile.  Acceptance of the person that will probably never be happy, because they are continually searching for more.  Acceptance that not everyone is like me, nor am I like anyone else and that is okay.  No one should change for anyone, ever, period, the end.  I've learned to not take myself or life too seriously.  I thank my boys for helping me laugh at the little things and roll with the crazy shit, that happens daily.  I am blessed to have an over abundance of love and support that surrounds me daily, no questions asked, with no expectations of today or tomorrow.  My flaws, my scars, my insecurities, come with an unmeasurable amount of acceptance from my people.  We are not perfect, but for that, I am grateful.

#truth #gratitude

Playing hide-and-seek with Clarity

Note to self: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT scarf down 3 pieces of pizza, and then think you are going to go to yoga after and work that shit out.  Because you are not.  What you are going to do is, lay in child's pose and think to yourself, "WHY did I eat that pizza", as the dough continues to expand in your stomach. Throughout the entire 90 minutes, which seriously felt like 5 hours, I wanted to run out of that room.  Instead, I tried, and tried, to regain my breath, clear my mind and set my intention.  It didn't happen, none of it. Usually I walk out of class feeling like a boss.   Yesterday, I walked out of class feeling defeated and still full from the pizza.   So, I decided to stop at a friends house, knock on the door with fingers crossed, hoping that there was a bottle of wine open somewhere inside....and that I would be invited in.  My Tribe never disappoints.  My Tribe not only had a bottle of wine open, but sat there with me, listened to me, heard me, laughed with me and opened up another bottle...or 2 of wine with me.  By 1am, I walked out of my tribes house with warm heart and calm breath. Yesterday was a good day, despite the occasional bumps and a forever wandering mind...questioning, wondering, waiting, missing....dreaming of the summer sun.

#truth 

WTF kind of day.

Do you ever have one of those days where all you can really say is, "what the fuck".  Today is that day and I hate those days.  The boys are all off of school this week so the house is crazy.  It doesn't help that it's 2 degrees outside, so forcing them out to play is not an option.  On my mind are a couple of dear friends. Yesterday, I spent the morning with one of those friends and her son.   She was telling me that her husbands grandfather was in the hospital and not doing well.  I learned last night that he had passed away.  I hate death.  The thought of it, the idea, when it's going to happen to me. How? When? Who will die first, B or I?  S has a theory and the order goes like this; B, Me, Dog, O, H, S, M....oldest to youngest seems pretty straight forward.  You never know and the uncertainty of it all scares the hell out of me.  One of my other dear friends flew in from out of the country last Friday.  We had not seen each other since the summer.  I have a million things I want to say to her and talk to her about and only a few hours tonight to spend with her before she heads back.  I hate goodbyes, and I hate them even more when there are things left unsaid.  I love her like my own.  When I step onto my yoga mat, I know it's not about the physical practice, but about the mental practice.  I know this, but have yet to master the mental part.  Last night, I had one of those "a-ha" moments, like it hits you in the face and you think to yourself, what the fuck was I thinking?   I walked out of class with a clear head, as soon as I got in my car, it became foggy again....  I over think things, I over love, I obsess, and at least 20 times a day, I think to myself, what the fuck? In my perfect world, I would have a laid out plan, a straight path, a road with no, bumps, forks, exit ramps.  It would just flow.  I would not have WTF kind of days, instead I would have, go out there and be awesome, kind of days.  I have a lot of those too, I just would prefer more of them.  Today, like all days, I will embrace the glorious mess that I am.  I will love up my boys, I will not over think what does not serve me, I will (try) to listen to my own voice and know that if something doesn't feel right, figure it out and fix it or let it go.  When I go to bed at night, I will take a deep breath and let this WTF day go and start again tomorrow, with an open heart and a clear mind.

But not a real green dress (or sweater) that's cruel

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a bit of a fashion snob.  When I first saw B, in the elevator at work, I can tell you exactly what he was wearing...gasp.  A green polo, khaki pants, a really REALLY bad belt and...I don't even think I made it down to the shoes, but if I had, that would have sealed the deal.  I CAN tell you what shoes he was wearing on our first date, and they were white Nike's.  I remember coming home and telling my mom and sisters this, "I really, like him but he is SUCH a bad dresser....he had on white Nike's."    Since that day, he has never bought himself another pair of shoes.....or any article of clothing, thank GOD.  Today, while shopping at my new favorite store, the Meijer on 8 mile and Woodward (it's replaced my Target obsession), I came across quite a fashionista in the making.  This man....oh this man.  He had on every color, pattern, texture and season.  Please note-DO NOT intermix seasons, when it comes to clothing, EVER.  Anyway,  I love this particular Meijer for many reasons, but the #1 reason would be the people.  It's such an eclectic group....it pulls people from the 'burbs, from the city, from the streets, from....I'm not sure where? BUT, I've smelled more marijuana floating through that place than any, Pearl Jam/ Jimmy Buffet/Kid Rock, concert that I've ever been to.  The entire atmosphere is fantastic and today did not disappoint.  I SO wanted to strike up a conversation with this man, but I was afraid that his 16 year old girlfriend, with their newborn baby, would kick my ass, so I refrained. I have 4 boys and I can tell you, they will FOREVER dress well, they will ALWAYS wear good shoes, they will NEVER wear ugly green sweaters and they will always wear jeans that make their asses look FANTASTIC.....teach them young mamas. -J

#truth

How many times, can one child say, “mom”... “mommy”... “mama”

in one day, one hour, one morning???  

I’m about to lose my shit.  

I may need to pour a little something before noon.

Thank GOD it’s GNO!

#truth

Clear as Fog

Dear Monday-
Today, I will step outside, take a deep breath, and remind myself of who I am and who I want to be.

Love-
Me.

Forgiveness

When I started this blog, a few years ago, we were one less child, I was employed, we were living in tighter quarters and life was life.  When I started this blog, a few years ago, B and I were into our 10th year of marriage.  We always joked, it was like 10 going on 50.  B and I are two VERY different people....which can be good and bad, smooth and challenging, stressful and somewhat easy.  When you couple all of those things with kids and the every day banter that goes along with each and everyday, marriage becomes a full time job.  It's work.  And with any job, it becomes mundane. At the beginning, the purpose of my blog, then named, "threeboyscrazylife" was to share all of the craziness of life with 3 boys.  The funny stories, the struggles, the tears, the screaming.  Over the past few months, I've gone back and forth, debating on what I want this blog to become.  For me, it's an outlet.  For me, it's about me, keeping it real, raw and honest.  As much as I would like to think perfection exists, it does not.  I work on that daily.  My name is Jennifer, and I am not perfect.  I grew up in a home, with a lot of love and a lot of dysfunction.  My father was an alcoholic.  My father, loved us, I'm just not sure he loved himself.  Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, what could I have done? This does not define me, although I do think it explains a lot.  I started jotting thoughts down this morning, the minute I woke up.  I've started to realize that if I do not get them down on paper, they are easily forgotten.  The word that I kept writing, not even realizing, was "forgiveness".  I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day, I was telling her how I am always hardest on the people that I love the most.  I expect perfection and I do not forgive easily.  Which is SO crazy, since I know damn well perfection does not exist and I've fucked up more times that I can count.  Another word, that I reference daily, is gratitude. Gratitude for, waking up every morning, my family, my tribe, the sun, knowing that summer is only 5 months away and recently staring across the table at someone and realizing that, at that very moment, I was not alone (thank you).  Today, I will work on myself, like everyday. Today, I will be the best version of myself...with a little side of crazy.  Today, I will go to bed, put the day behind me and start a new day in the morning.
~Amen and Namaste

How are rainbows made?

S and I were talking the other day and he asked me if I knew how rainbows were made.  It's those random conversations, between my boys and I that I cherish and remember.  The little bits, about their days, that they tell me over bedtime snuggles.  The random thoughts and questions that come up while driving in the car.  Tonight, I asked him to tell me how rainbows were made.  The ending is 100% S.  The kid is no joke and he keeps us on our toes daily.  Enjoy.

Bucket List

I'm turning 40 this year.  40.  I'm not sure how it happened?  I can vividly remember my 21st birthday, for the most part... the end is a bit sketchy.   30 to 40?  With a blink of an eye, gone, just like that.  Let's see, 4 kids, a few houses, a couple of jobs, did I mention 4 kids?  One of my favorite sayings is, "The Days Are Long, But The Years Are Short".  There are days where bedtime cannot come soon enough.  There are days when, well there are not enough hours in the day.  There are weeks that go by and I'm not sure how we made it to the weekend? But we did.  There are also weeks, when Wednesday hits, and it really feels like it should be Friday and I'm ready to throw in the towel,  today being one of those Wednesdays.   Time goes by WAY too fast.  In addition to it being a new year, it's my 40th year and my goal is to make it the longest year ever....stretch it out.  After all, I'm not 40 until August....so really I'm basically 39 for the majority of this year.  I'm not freaked out all at about turning 40.  It's not like I've researched various Doctors in the area specializing in botox.  No mid life crisis here.  Whatever. Now, only if I could get rid of the damn mini van.  SO,  I've decided to create a bucket list. Nothing too crazy, but I'm not playing it safe either.  Intrigued aren't you?  Me too. Stay tuned, it's in the works.
~Amen and Namaste

Fitting for today.....

Oh Sinner, why don't you answer?

H is making his first communion this Spring.  This morning we had a retreat, at church, to talk about First Reconciliation, which H will be doing next month.  Our priest, who has been with the parish for 5+ years, has won me over (not an easy task).  Today, he had a beautiful PowerPoint presentation, that laid out, in layman's terms, what Reconciliation...Penance...Confession is and why you shouldn't be nervous/afraid/anxious to go and repent your sins to the priest.  I'm not proud to admit that I haven't gone to confession in about 20+ years.  I think the last time I went was when they had communal confessions where everyone sat in church and thought/prayed about their sins, in their head, and the priest told everyone to say a few prayers and out the door we went.  Well, in those 20+ years, I've committed a book full of sins.  I'm not going to go into details, we would be here all day.   I've lost my faith in God, when my dad passed away.  Questioned my faith, when my grandparents were sick, done things that I am not proud of.  Everyday, even though I try to be the best version of myself that I can be, I commit some kind of sin(s).  As much as I want to go to confession, it scares me!  What I took away, at the retreat today is, what I already knew.  None of us is perfect, we call make mistakes/commit sins and whether it's been 2 weeks, 2 months, 20 years, God will forgive us.  I have 2 great aunts, who are nuns, and I know they have helped myself and my family, through many difficult times through, prayer, hand written cards/letters and phone calls.  We don't see each other often, even though we only live 20 minutes apart.  I think about and prayer for them often and admire them (having God as your boss is a serious gig).  I know they never pass judgement on me and accept me and love me unconditionally, as they do with everyone in their lives.    I am SO thankful for them.  Everyday I work on my faith and everyday I question my decisions and question the crazy shit that happens in this world.  I do believe in God and I am blessed to be part of a parish/community that is so welcoming and accepting.  I'm not sure where I was planning on going with this post.....I started writing it last night and I've been forced to watch football ALL day, therefore on my 3rd glass of wine.  Amen and Namaste.

F-A-I-L spells FAIL....

I had a bad, BAD day yesterday.  B would agree, the boys would agree, the cashier at the store would agree, the kids in S's room would agree, and my yoga teacher would probably agree....I'm not sure what happened to put me in such a funk but I was SO happy to say goodbye to the day.  The worst part about it was knowing that, not only did I let myself down and everything that I said I wasn't going to do going into 2015, I did, within a 12 hour time span, BUT I let my kids down.  H wanted snuggle before bedtime and I couldn't do it.  I told him no and went downstairs. I looked at Brett and said, "I am a horrible parent and I totally failed".    I sat there and tried to wrap my brain around what the hell was wrong with me. The only (sad/sorry) explanation I could come up with was that I am with 1 child ALL day, every day, at least 1.  By the time bedtime rolls around, mama is tapped...cooked...done.   B handles bedtime every night, thank GOD for B.  I went to bed last night and promised myself I would not wake up and act the same way tomorrow.  I woke up this morning and did my best to forget about yesterday.  One thing I did remember, which put a smile on my face, was one of S's classmates.  I asked him how his day was going and he said, "sometimes I'm a good boy and sometimes I'm not such a good boy".  I couldn't help but laugh and told him, "that's okay, no one is perfect".   I read this quote today, from Rachel, the Hands Free Mama.  We are all not perfect, mamas.  But, we have today to be the best version of ourselves and tomorrow to try again. Namaste.

Day 3

I had the most magnificent date night with my husband this evening. That's it. It's the little things. The things that we often take for granted.

Wake Up

I am one of those people that start every new year by with a laundry list of intentions.  Good intentions, some more realistic than others and the majority forgotten by noon that day.  What if my only intention was to wake up?  Pretty simple.   Go to bed and wake up the next morning. I went back to yoga today.  It had been a month and they were sending me emails asking where I've been.....That class kicked my ass and made me realize how much, in just 4 weeks, my body changed (the excess drinking and eating over the holidays was clearer than clear as I lay on my mat), how much my mind wanders, and how much I missed the physical and mental practice of yoga.  Yoga is my go to.  It calms me, it centers me and it makes me appreciate the little things, in life, that I take for granted.  Our teacher said something today that I kept going back to throughout those 90 minutes.  "You all woke up today, that's pretty fricking amazing".  It's that simple.  So, today, I will throw out my list of resolutions and instead, I will appreciate every morning, when I wake up.....keeping my fingers crossed that I don't lose my shit by noon, Amen.

2015-Day 1 of 365

Happy New Year!  I'm not sure where 2014 went?   It's come and gone and I couldn't be more excited to see what 2015 has in store.  2014 was filled with much laughter, screaming, crying, fighting, drinking, eating, cuddling, sleeping, going AND going ....and repeat.  Our little, is 15 months old and is the most mellow baby EVER.  Never, in a million years could I imagine our life without him.  Our middle little, is 4 1/2, already talking about and writing a list for his 5th birthday and is so ready for Kindergarten that he is going to walk into that school on Day 1 like he owns it!  When asked what words he knows that start with the letter 'F', his response is, "one, REALLY bad word and FIFA."  Our middle is still the most lovable, whiniest, smiliest kid on the planet.  He drives us crazy, daily and amazes us with his intelligence...I think he is going to help us with our retirement.  Our oldest, 10 1/2, with fashion sense like a basketball player with no clue how to dribble the ball, is finding his own, torn between what is "cool" and what is...O.  I have faith that he will figure it out, and B and I will be there to help him, every step of the way.  B and I wake up every single day, never knowing what will happen.  We take it in stride.  We argue, we yell, we hug, we love.  We go to bed, exhausted, knowing that under our roof, the family we created, loves each other, despite our ...differences, challenges and disagreements.  This is our life....our life....four boys crazy life.