Blame it on the Rain

I've done some crazy shit in my life.  My hope would be that we all have.  We all deserve to get a little nutty once in awhile.  I don't have many regrets, however, I know along the way I've hurt a few people and I probably didn't make the best choices.  I sometimes think I'm invincible.  Growing up, I could pretty much get away with anything and my dad would bail me out.  I think he understood...silently, because he too, was far from perfect. I do believe in karma and it scares the shit out of me.  I also believe that we are responsible for the choices that we make.   We have the choice NOT to do something if it has the potential to hurt someone else.  Sometimes, the heart overrules the mind and the gut, and this is when things go haywire.   I'm not good with apologies and I don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  I would rather push you away, than allow you to get to close.  I have a permanent wall, that has been built over time.  It's strong as shit and only a select few are allowed inside.  Once you are in, please do not screw it up.  It's kind of an oxymoron.  I am one of the most imperfect people yet I expect you to be perfect.  I love deeply, probably to easily.  I want the best for people, not always for myself.  I want to love, always, unconditionally, without question, not only when it's convenient. I want to be loved, as I am...all of me.  I want my boys to be great men.  Hardworking, loving, loyal, trustworthy.  I want them to be good partners, husbands, fathers, friends. I want them to make mistakes, to get into trouble and I want to be there every step of the way.  I want them to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to say you are sorry.  It's okay to not always be the best version of yourself.  As I head into the last few months of my 39th year, I want to be happy.  I want the next few months to be a beautiful transformation of who I am, not who I want to be.  I want to be more accepting of myself. I want to live freely. I want to be me.