Forgiveness

When I started this blog, a few years ago, we were one less child, I was employed, we were living in tighter quarters and life was life.  When I started this blog, a few years ago, B and I were into our 10th year of marriage.  We always joked, it was like 10 going on 50.  B and I are two VERY different people....which can be good and bad, smooth and challenging, stressful and somewhat easy.  When you couple all of those things with kids and the every day banter that goes along with each and everyday, marriage becomes a full time job.  It's work.  And with any job, it becomes mundane. At the beginning, the purpose of my blog, then named, "threeboyscrazylife" was to share all of the craziness of life with 3 boys.  The funny stories, the struggles, the tears, the screaming.  Over the past few months, I've gone back and forth, debating on what I want this blog to become.  For me, it's an outlet.  For me, it's about me, keeping it real, raw and honest.  As much as I would like to think perfection exists, it does not.  I work on that daily.  My name is Jennifer, and I am not perfect.  I grew up in a home, with a lot of love and a lot of dysfunction.  My father was an alcoholic.  My father, loved us, I'm just not sure he loved himself.  Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, what could I have done? This does not define me, although I do think it explains a lot.  I started jotting thoughts down this morning, the minute I woke up.  I've started to realize that if I do not get them down on paper, they are easily forgotten.  The word that I kept writing, not even realizing, was "forgiveness".  I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day, I was telling her how I am always hardest on the people that I love the most.  I expect perfection and I do not forgive easily.  Which is SO crazy, since I know damn well perfection does not exist and I've fucked up more times that I can count.  Another word, that I reference daily, is gratitude. Gratitude for, waking up every morning, my family, my tribe, the sun, knowing that summer is only 5 months away and recently staring across the table at someone and realizing that, at that very moment, I was not alone (thank you).  Today, I will work on myself, like everyday. Today, I will be the best version of myself...with a little side of crazy.  Today, I will go to bed, put the day behind me and start a new day in the morning.
~Amen and Namaste