Dear Human

You're welcome......

#truth

Apparently Thomas Edison and I were homies?

O asked me today if I had certain, "things" growing up, like he has now.  He was wondering if I had a telephone, candles, xbox, iPhone, a kitchen sink??  H looked at him and said, "Ollie, you know mommy's ONLY 39 right?  It's not like she grew up in the 90's."  Wow. This reminded me of the night before O left for camp.  B and I were trying to explain to him how to use a disposable camera.  He couldn't understand why he couldn't see the pictures right away and why he could only take a certain amount of pictures and why he couldn't just delete pictures he didn't want.  He was also having a hard time grasping the concept of looking through the little box and turning on the flash.  It makes you realize how quickly time goes by and how much everything changes.

In order to Spring Forward, you must first Spring Clean

Two and a half hours of yoga tonight, and this is what I know, it's time to do some Spring Cleaning people. Not only do I need to clean out my closet and a few drawers, I need to clean out my mind, my physical state of being. I need to clean the shit out of my life that doesn't serve me, that doesn't help me grow or make me a better person.  I need to do some major spring cleaning....and it starts today.  Tomorrow, I will tackle the house. Right now, starting right now, I will begin decluttering my mind, my life and my actions that do not represent ME...the imperfectly perfect, glorious mess, that I am and that I sometimes lose along the way.... because sometimes, as much as we know we shouldn't, listening to the heart makes more sense than listening the mind.  Goodbye to the thoughts, and to the fantasies that are not, nor will ever be reality.  Goodbye to the garbage, that sometimes occupies my head. Hello to a clear mind and an open heart. God damn it, I'm putting my foot down, both the mind and heart will work together and not against each other.  Hello to five more months of being 39...holy shit. Hello to constantly being surrounded by people who love ME for me, 24-7.  Hello to my beautiful family, to my amazing and supportive husband, and to my crazy..completely insane..super lovable..adorable boys. Last, but most certainly not least, hello to my glorious, GORGEOUS, kick ass Tribe.  I'm ready to do some spring cleaning like a fucking boss, bring it. Goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Cheers to keeping everything close that is most important and letting everything else go with a smile. Namaste.

The "FUN" in Dysfuntion

Everyone has a past.  Everyone has stories.  Everyone has worries, troubles, questions, concerns, issues...we all have issues.  We ALL have issues.  I always say, if you brag about how perfect your life is, how great your kids are, how happy your marriage is, you are a fucking liar.  Yep, I own it.  NO ONE is perfect.  I think imperfection almost makes us more perfect than trying to come off as someone/something that you are not....perfectly imperfect.  People walk into our lives for a reason.   People also walk out of lives for a reason.  To teach us something, to help us, to make us feel okay, to make us feel "normal", to make us reevaluate what is important and what is real.    I met my tribe, all around the same time.  I'm not going into details, but we all came into each others lives at a time (that I think) we ALL needed each other.  The great thing about my tribe, we all know we are fucked up, but we own it.  We all know, that at a drop of a hat, each of us would come running to help the other out....anytime, anywhere.  Past experiences make us who we are, they mold us into who we want to be, they make us consciously aware of what we will become if we don't make a choice to stop the cycle.  I am me.  Every single day, me.  Sometimes not the best version of myself, not always true to myself, not always the best mom or the best wife and probably not the best friend, but I am me.  A girl, with a past that could probably be turned into a book or a lifetime movie.  A girl, in the present, living for the moment, writing my future, no regrets.

Friday is my second favorite F word

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm ready to throw in the towel...for the 100th time that week.  Friday is my second favorite F word.  My first is, Fuck.  Sorry, you can probably stop reading now if that offended you, and you probably won't want to revisit anytime soon, thanks.  I LOVE fucking Friday's.  I know that I do not have to deal with homework, making lunches, packing snacks, showers/baths, finding missing gloves, locating coats, a boot, signing permission slips...I could really go on AND on.  But, instead, I will sit here and sip on my vodka and tonic, before 4pm on FRIDAY BITCHES!!!! I'm in hiding as I type this, tucked away in a corner, hoping my kids will leave me alone for 20 minutes, that's all I ask for, 20 minutes.  I also ask that you do not come in the bathroom when I'm in the shower...in fact, if I'm in the bathroom, don't come in at all and don't call out my name 10 times....Unless the house is burning or someone is hanging from the chandler and can't get down.    5 out of 7 days, M-F from 7am until 6:30pm (that's typically when B gets home), I am; Mom, Mommy, Mama, on repeat, ALL day long.  I am never childless...okay there's nap time.  Did I mention how fucking thankful I am for nap time? How long is M going to nap for?  I'm hoping until he goes to kindergarten and then he is gone all day.  There are times that I will say to the boys, "Mom's not here right now". S will say, "yes you are, you are standing right there". O, who gets it, I think, will say, "Mom needs a time out" and will take the boys downstairs to play.  Mom DOES need a timeout, daily, from;  the questions, the fetching of a glass of water, picking shit up off of the floor, and picking it up again 30 minutes later.  Mom needs a break from having to lay down every single fucking chair in the house so the little doesn't climb up on the counter, table, or anything else that he can use his super human, upper body strength, to gain leverage on.  Bottom line, mommy needs a BREAK!  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my boys with every single ounce of my soul!  I really, really do.  I know, without a doubt that I am a kick ass mother.  However, I am with them through the, goodbyes, hellos, new friends, new school, ups the downs, homework...oh the homework, failed tests, notes from teachers...and I would not have it any other way.  They are my best buddies and my heart is completely full because of them.  That doesn't change the fact that we ALL need a break sometimes. We all need a break from, work, life, kids, and sometimes ourselves.  We deserve it, we all deserve a break and a drink before 4pm on a fucking Friday.

Definition of: Me

I struggle with who I am, daily, always have and probably (but hopefully not) always will.  What I DO know is, I am a free spirit, a lover, a thinker, a dreamer.  These words, these descriptions,  ran through my mind, out of my mouth the other day.  THESE are the qualities that I love most about myself.  THESE are qualities that I will hold on to and will not lose or compromise.  With these qualities come acceptance.  Acceptance of, myself and others.  Acceptance of the person who continually has a shit storm of garbage coming out of their mouth.  Acceptance of the person, that even though I am one funny mother fucker, will not crack a smile.  Acceptance of the person that will probably never be happy, because they are continually searching for more.  Acceptance that not everyone is like me, nor am I like anyone else and that is okay.  No one should change for anyone, ever, period, the end.  I've learned to not take myself or life too seriously.  I thank my boys for helping me laugh at the little things and roll with the crazy shit, that happens daily.  I am blessed to have an over abundance of love and support that surrounds me daily, no questions asked, with no expectations of today or tomorrow.  My flaws, my scars, my insecurities, come with an unmeasurable amount of acceptance from my people.  We are not perfect, but for that, I am grateful.

#truth #gratitude

Playing hide-and-seek with Clarity

Note to self: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT scarf down 3 pieces of pizza, and then think you are going to go to yoga after and work that shit out.  Because you are not.  What you are going to do is, lay in child's pose and think to yourself, "WHY did I eat that pizza", as the dough continues to expand in your stomach. Throughout the entire 90 minutes, which seriously felt like 5 hours, I wanted to run out of that room.  Instead, I tried, and tried, to regain my breath, clear my mind and set my intention.  It didn't happen, none of it. Usually I walk out of class feeling like a boss.   Yesterday, I walked out of class feeling defeated and still full from the pizza.   So, I decided to stop at a friends house, knock on the door with fingers crossed, hoping that there was a bottle of wine open somewhere inside....and that I would be invited in.  My Tribe never disappoints.  My Tribe not only had a bottle of wine open, but sat there with me, listened to me, heard me, laughed with me and opened up another bottle...or 2 of wine with me.  By 1am, I walked out of my tribes house with warm heart and calm breath. Yesterday was a good day, despite the occasional bumps and a forever wandering mind...questioning, wondering, waiting, missing....dreaming of the summer sun.

#truth