You talk too much....

Run D.M.C had it going on when they wrote this song.  Have you ever met someone that seriously talks and talks, repeating themselves, while contradicting themselves?  Saying the same shit over and over again.  I've heard it all, 100 times before, but sure, I'd love to hear it again. I think it may be a nervous tendency?  Or maybe, you are not as confident as you say you are?  I've got news for you, it's okay to be you.  I actually like the real you.  You should be that person more often.  Like everytime we communicate.   My favorite is when it's just a shit storm of complete and utter bullshit that comes out of their mouths.  I let these people talk, because at the end of the day, I truly believe that THEY believe what they are saying.  Who am I to try to change that? Who I am to cut them off and remind them of what they said earlier? Sure, I could tell you that yesterday you said something completely different.  Most certainly I could remind you that you texted and said that, which totally contradicts what you are saying now.  BUT, it's not my place.  So, instead, I will sit and listen, because I care about you.  I really do care about you, as a person and as my friend.   I've learned that sometimes it's better when I keep my mouth shut.  Some things are better left unsaid. I have walls built for a reason people, it's to keep this kind of chaos out. Ain't nobody got time for that. In all seriousness, as I've gotten older, I've become much more honest with myself and with others. I expect the same from my people.   I am, who I am, all of the time.  I don't justify it, I don't twist and turn it, I own it, I feel it, I will most certainly tell you, it's my story and I'm sticking to it....always, every.damn.day.   Yep, I have feelings, we all do and it's okay, I promise. Sometimes it's scary as hell, it doesn't always make sense, but I own it.  We should all just fucking own it. ~Namaste.

Blame it on the Rain

I've done some crazy shit in my life.  My hope would be that we all have.  We all deserve to get a little nutty once in awhile.  I don't have many regrets, however, I know along the way I've hurt a few people and I probably didn't make the best choices.  I sometimes think I'm invincible.  Growing up, I could pretty much get away with anything and my dad would bail me out.  I think he understood...silently, because he too, was far from perfect. I do believe in karma and it scares the shit out of me.  I also believe that we are responsible for the choices that we make.   We have the choice NOT to do something if it has the potential to hurt someone else.  Sometimes, the heart overrules the mind and the gut, and this is when things go haywire.   I'm not good with apologies and I don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  I would rather push you away, than allow you to get to close.  I have a permanent wall, that has been built over time.  It's strong as shit and only a select few are allowed inside.  Once you are in, please do not screw it up.  It's kind of an oxymoron.  I am one of the most imperfect people yet I expect you to be perfect.  I love deeply, probably to easily.  I want the best for people, not always for myself.  I want to love, always, unconditionally, without question, not only when it's convenient. I want to be loved, as I am...all of me.  I want my boys to be great men.  Hardworking, loving, loyal, trustworthy.  I want them to be good partners, husbands, fathers, friends. I want them to make mistakes, to get into trouble and I want to be there every step of the way.  I want them to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to say you are sorry.  It's okay to not always be the best version of yourself.  As I head into the last few months of my 39th year, I want to be happy.  I want the next few months to be a beautiful transformation of who I am, not who I want to be.  I want to be more accepting of myself. I want to live freely. I want to be me.

Mama Bear

I tend to take in the people that need it the most.  I'm almost a magnet to those that are SO much like me, yet SO different.  I'm a protector, a mother, a lover, a friend, a mama bear.  I will love you with every, single, living, ounce of my soul....BUT, once you fuck it up, it's done.  I like to make sure that everyone is okay,  that everyone is happy.  I offer good advice, I always make sure your drink is full, and most importantly, I truly want you to be okay.  Am I okay?  Sometimes.  Do I take the advice that I give?  Not always. Do I expect the same love, the same respect that I give?  Probably not.  BUT, I'm working on it, ALL of it, daily.  I was talking to a friend the other day who has been married for a while.  You know the story; work, kids, marriage. It's hard, it's really fucking hard.  And, with everything, it gets old.  It's the truth, it ALL gets old. If you are doing the same job, for years, you are going to get bored.  If you eat the same thing for breakfast, every, single day, it's going to get old.  If you've been married or with the same partner for longer than 5 years...and then you throw kids into the mix,  I have news for you, it's going to get old.  I LOVE my kids, but I'm telling you, it's hard.  It's exhausting. It's a full time job.  SO, you have a few choices; 1. Mix it up so it becomes new again. So the love you once knew comes back, maybe not completely, but it comes back.  2. Bitch about it, to anyone who will listen, while your spouse/significant other probably sits there in the dark thinking everything is A-OK...or they are bitching to their friends about the same thing or 3. Decide to move on, throw in the towel, declare defeat.  We all change, as the years go by.  It's life.  I grew up in a house where there was no moving on.  My parents stayed together, for the sake of our family, and they shouldn't have.  I don't know how much more/less fucked up I would be?  But, I can tell you, I am glad they stayed together....I can't even believe I just typed that.  I lived in a house, under a roof, regardless of their relationship, where I knew I was loved, by two parents and that was okay.  It was good enough.  It was all I knew.  It wasn't perfect, it was highly dysfunctional, and my old therapist referred to it as "Chinese water torture"....I'll never forget that one.   So is okay, good enough?  Some days it is. Shouldn't we want more than just okay?  Of course. For right now, okay is safe. Okay is.....well, it's okay.  For today, okay is good enough.

Dear Human

You're welcome......

#truth

Apparently Thomas Edison and I were homies?

O asked me today if I had certain, "things" growing up, like he has now.  He was wondering if I had a telephone, candles, xbox, iPhone, a kitchen sink??  H looked at him and said, "Ollie, you know mommy's ONLY 39 right?  It's not like she grew up in the 90's."  Wow. This reminded me of the night before O left for camp.  B and I were trying to explain to him how to use a disposable camera.  He couldn't understand why he couldn't see the pictures right away and why he could only take a certain amount of pictures and why he couldn't just delete pictures he didn't want.  He was also having a hard time grasping the concept of looking through the little box and turning on the flash.  It makes you realize how quickly time goes by and how much everything changes.

In order to Spring Forward, you must first Spring Clean

Two and a half hours of yoga tonight, and this is what I know, it's time to do some Spring Cleaning people. Not only do I need to clean out my closet and a few drawers, I need to clean out my mind, my physical state of being. I need to clean the shit out of my life that doesn't serve me, that doesn't help me grow or make me a better person.  I need to do some major spring cleaning....and it starts today.  Tomorrow, I will tackle the house. Right now, starting right now, I will begin decluttering my mind, my life and my actions that do not represent ME...the imperfectly perfect, glorious mess, that I am and that I sometimes lose along the way.... because sometimes, as much as we know we shouldn't, listening to the heart makes more sense than listening the mind.  Goodbye to the thoughts, and to the fantasies that are not, nor will ever be reality.  Goodbye to the garbage, that sometimes occupies my head. Hello to a clear mind and an open heart. God damn it, I'm putting my foot down, both the mind and heart will work together and not against each other.  Hello to five more months of being 39...holy shit. Hello to constantly being surrounded by people who love ME for me, 24-7.  Hello to my beautiful family, to my amazing and supportive husband, and to my crazy..completely insane..super lovable..adorable boys. Last, but most certainly not least, hello to my glorious, GORGEOUS, kick ass Tribe.  I'm ready to do some spring cleaning like a fucking boss, bring it. Goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Cheers to keeping everything close that is most important and letting everything else go with a smile. Namaste.

The "FUN" in Dysfuntion

Everyone has a past.  Everyone has stories.  Everyone has worries, troubles, questions, concerns, issues...we all have issues.  We ALL have issues.  I always say, if you brag about how perfect your life is, how great your kids are, how happy your marriage is, you are a fucking liar.  Yep, I own it.  NO ONE is perfect.  I think imperfection almost makes us more perfect than trying to come off as someone/something that you are not....perfectly imperfect.  People walk into our lives for a reason.   People also walk out of lives for a reason.  To teach us something, to help us, to make us feel okay, to make us feel "normal", to make us reevaluate what is important and what is real.    I met my tribe, all around the same time.  I'm not going into details, but we all came into each others lives at a time (that I think) we ALL needed each other.  The great thing about my tribe, we all know we are fucked up, but we own it.  We all know, that at a drop of a hat, each of us would come running to help the other out....anytime, anywhere.  Past experiences make us who we are, they mold us into who we want to be, they make us consciously aware of what we will become if we don't make a choice to stop the cycle.  I am me.  Every single day, me.  Sometimes not the best version of myself, not always true to myself, not always the best mom or the best wife and probably not the best friend, but I am me.  A girl, with a past that could probably be turned into a book or a lifetime movie.  A girl, in the present, living for the moment, writing my future, no regrets.