Friday is my second favorite F word

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm ready to throw in the towel...for the 100th time that week.  Friday is my second favorite F word.  My first is, Fuck.  Sorry, you can probably stop reading now if that offended you, and you probably won't want to revisit anytime soon, thanks.  I LOVE fucking Friday's.  I know that I do not have to deal with homework, making lunches, packing snacks, showers/baths, finding missing gloves, locating coats, a boot, signing permission slips...I could really go on AND on.  But, instead, I will sit here and sip on my vodka and tonic, before 4pm on FRIDAY BITCHES!!!! I'm in hiding as I type this, tucked away in a corner, hoping my kids will leave me alone for 20 minutes, that's all I ask for, 20 minutes.  I also ask that you do not come in the bathroom when I'm in the shower...in fact, if I'm in the bathroom, don't come in at all and don't call out my name 10 times....Unless the house is burning or someone is hanging from the chandler and can't get down.    5 out of 7 days, M-F from 7am until 6:30pm (that's typically when B gets home), I am; Mom, Mommy, Mama, on repeat, ALL day long.  I am never childless...okay there's nap time.  Did I mention how fucking thankful I am for nap time? How long is M going to nap for?  I'm hoping until he goes to kindergarten and then he is gone all day.  There are times that I will say to the boys, "Mom's not here right now". S will say, "yes you are, you are standing right there". O, who gets it, I think, will say, "Mom needs a time out" and will take the boys downstairs to play.  Mom DOES need a timeout, daily, from;  the questions, the fetching of a glass of water, picking shit up off of the floor, and picking it up again 30 minutes later.  Mom needs a break from having to lay down every single fucking chair in the house so the little doesn't climb up on the counter, table, or anything else that he can use his super human, upper body strength, to gain leverage on.  Bottom line, mommy needs a BREAK!  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my boys with every single ounce of my soul!  I really, really do.  I know, without a doubt that I am a kick ass mother.  However, I am with them through the, goodbyes, hellos, new friends, new school, ups the downs, homework...oh the homework, failed tests, notes from teachers...and I would not have it any other way.  They are my best buddies and my heart is completely full because of them.  That doesn't change the fact that we ALL need a break sometimes. We all need a break from, work, life, kids, and sometimes ourselves.  We deserve it, we all deserve a break and a drink before 4pm on a fucking Friday.

Definition of: Me

I struggle with who I am, daily, always have and probably (but hopefully not) always will.  What I DO know is, I am a free spirit, a lover, a thinker, a dreamer.  These words, these descriptions,  ran through my mind, out of my mouth the other day.  THESE are the qualities that I love most about myself.  THESE are qualities that I will hold on to and will not lose or compromise.  With these qualities come acceptance.  Acceptance of, myself and others.  Acceptance of the person who continually has a shit storm of garbage coming out of their mouth.  Acceptance of the person, that even though I am one funny mother fucker, will not crack a smile.  Acceptance of the person that will probably never be happy, because they are continually searching for more.  Acceptance that not everyone is like me, nor am I like anyone else and that is okay.  No one should change for anyone, ever, period, the end.  I've learned to not take myself or life too seriously.  I thank my boys for helping me laugh at the little things and roll with the crazy shit, that happens daily.  I am blessed to have an over abundance of love and support that surrounds me daily, no questions asked, with no expectations of today or tomorrow.  My flaws, my scars, my insecurities, come with an unmeasurable amount of acceptance from my people.  We are not perfect, but for that, I am grateful.

#truth #gratitude

Playing hide-and-seek with Clarity

Note to self: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT scarf down 3 pieces of pizza, and then think you are going to go to yoga after and work that shit out.  Because you are not.  What you are going to do is, lay in child's pose and think to yourself, "WHY did I eat that pizza", as the dough continues to expand in your stomach. Throughout the entire 90 minutes, which seriously felt like 5 hours, I wanted to run out of that room.  Instead, I tried, and tried, to regain my breath, clear my mind and set my intention.  It didn't happen, none of it. Usually I walk out of class feeling like a boss.   Yesterday, I walked out of class feeling defeated and still full from the pizza.   So, I decided to stop at a friends house, knock on the door with fingers crossed, hoping that there was a bottle of wine open somewhere inside....and that I would be invited in.  My Tribe never disappoints.  My Tribe not only had a bottle of wine open, but sat there with me, listened to me, heard me, laughed with me and opened up another bottle...or 2 of wine with me.  By 1am, I walked out of my tribes house with warm heart and calm breath. Yesterday was a good day, despite the occasional bumps and a forever wandering mind...questioning, wondering, waiting, missing....dreaming of the summer sun.

#truth 

WTF kind of day.

Do you ever have one of those days where all you can really say is, "what the fuck".  Today is that day and I hate those days.  The boys are all off of school this week so the house is crazy.  It doesn't help that it's 2 degrees outside, so forcing them out to play is not an option.  On my mind are a couple of dear friends. Yesterday, I spent the morning with one of those friends and her son.   She was telling me that her husbands grandfather was in the hospital and not doing well.  I learned last night that he had passed away.  I hate death.  The thought of it, the idea, when it's going to happen to me. How? When? Who will die first, B or I?  S has a theory and the order goes like this; B, Me, Dog, O, H, S, M....oldest to youngest seems pretty straight forward.  You never know and the uncertainty of it all scares the hell out of me.  One of my other dear friends flew in from out of the country last Friday.  We had not seen each other since the summer.  I have a million things I want to say to her and talk to her about and only a few hours tonight to spend with her before she heads back.  I hate goodbyes, and I hate them even more when there are things left unsaid.  I love her like my own.  When I step onto my yoga mat, I know it's not about the physical practice, but about the mental practice.  I know this, but have yet to master the mental part.  Last night, I had one of those "a-ha" moments, like it hits you in the face and you think to yourself, what the fuck was I thinking?   I walked out of class with a clear head, as soon as I got in my car, it became foggy again....  I over think things, I over love, I obsess, and at least 20 times a day, I think to myself, what the fuck? In my perfect world, I would have a laid out plan, a straight path, a road with no, bumps, forks, exit ramps.  It would just flow.  I would not have WTF kind of days, instead I would have, go out there and be awesome, kind of days.  I have a lot of those too, I just would prefer more of them.  Today, like all days, I will embrace the glorious mess that I am.  I will love up my boys, I will not over think what does not serve me, I will (try) to listen to my own voice and know that if something doesn't feel right, figure it out and fix it or let it go.  When I go to bed at night, I will take a deep breath and let this WTF day go and start again tomorrow, with an open heart and a clear mind.

But not a real green dress (or sweater) that's cruel

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a bit of a fashion snob.  When I first saw B, in the elevator at work, I can tell you exactly what he was wearing...gasp.  A green polo, khaki pants, a really REALLY bad belt and...I don't even think I made it down to the shoes, but if I had, that would have sealed the deal.  I CAN tell you what shoes he was wearing on our first date, and they were white Nike's.  I remember coming home and telling my mom and sisters this, "I really, like him but he is SUCH a bad dresser....he had on white Nike's."    Since that day, he has never bought himself another pair of shoes.....or any article of clothing, thank GOD.  Today, while shopping at my new favorite store, the Meijer on 8 mile and Woodward (it's replaced my Target obsession), I came across quite a fashionista in the making.  This man....oh this man.  He had on every color, pattern, texture and season.  Please note-DO NOT intermix seasons, when it comes to clothing, EVER.  Anyway,  I love this particular Meijer for many reasons, but the #1 reason would be the people.  It's such an eclectic group....it pulls people from the 'burbs, from the city, from the streets, from....I'm not sure where? BUT, I've smelled more marijuana floating through that place than any, Pearl Jam/ Jimmy Buffet/Kid Rock, concert that I've ever been to.  The entire atmosphere is fantastic and today did not disappoint.  I SO wanted to strike up a conversation with this man, but I was afraid that his 16 year old girlfriend, with their newborn baby, would kick my ass, so I refrained. I have 4 boys and I can tell you, they will FOREVER dress well, they will ALWAYS wear good shoes, they will NEVER wear ugly green sweaters and they will always wear jeans that make their asses look FANTASTIC.....teach them young mamas. -J

#truth

How many times, can one child say, “mom”... “mommy”... “mama”

in one day, one hour, one morning???  

I’m about to lose my shit.  

I may need to pour a little something before noon.

Thank GOD it’s GNO!

#truth

Clear as Fog

Dear Monday-
Today, I will step outside, take a deep breath, and remind myself of who I am and who I want to be.

Love-
Me.