Forgiveness

When I started this blog, a few years ago, we were one less child, I was employed, we were living in tighter quarters and life was life.  When I started this blog, a few years ago, B and I were into our 10th year of marriage.  We always joked, it was like 10 going on 50.  B and I are two VERY different people....which can be good and bad, smooth and challenging, stressful and somewhat easy.  When you couple all of those things with kids and the every day banter that goes along with each and everyday, marriage becomes a full time job.  It's work.  And with any job, it becomes mundane. At the beginning, the purpose of my blog, then named, "threeboyscrazylife" was to share all of the craziness of life with 3 boys.  The funny stories, the struggles, the tears, the screaming.  Over the past few months, I've gone back and forth, debating on what I want this blog to become.  For me, it's an outlet.  For me, it's about me, keeping it real, raw and honest.  As much as I would like to think perfection exists, it does not.  I work on that daily.  My name is Jennifer, and I am not perfect.  I grew up in a home, with a lot of love and a lot of dysfunction.  My father was an alcoholic.  My father, loved us, I'm just not sure he loved himself.  Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, what could I have done? This does not define me, although I do think it explains a lot.  I started jotting thoughts down this morning, the minute I woke up.  I've started to realize that if I do not get them down on paper, they are easily forgotten.  The word that I kept writing, not even realizing, was "forgiveness".  I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day, I was telling her how I am always hardest on the people that I love the most.  I expect perfection and I do not forgive easily.  Which is SO crazy, since I know damn well perfection does not exist and I've fucked up more times that I can count.  Another word, that I reference daily, is gratitude. Gratitude for, waking up every morning, my family, my tribe, the sun, knowing that summer is only 5 months away and recently staring across the table at someone and realizing that, at that very moment, I was not alone (thank you).  Today, I will work on myself, like everyday. Today, I will be the best version of myself...with a little side of crazy.  Today, I will go to bed, put the day behind me and start a new day in the morning.
~Amen and Namaste

How are rainbows made?

S and I were talking the other day and he asked me if I knew how rainbows were made.  It's those random conversations, between my boys and I that I cherish and remember.  The little bits, about their days, that they tell me over bedtime snuggles.  The random thoughts and questions that come up while driving in the car.  Tonight, I asked him to tell me how rainbows were made.  The ending is 100% S.  The kid is no joke and he keeps us on our toes daily.  Enjoy.

Bucket List

I'm turning 40 this year.  40.  I'm not sure how it happened?  I can vividly remember my 21st birthday, for the most part... the end is a bit sketchy.   30 to 40?  With a blink of an eye, gone, just like that.  Let's see, 4 kids, a few houses, a couple of jobs, did I mention 4 kids?  One of my favorite sayings is, "The Days Are Long, But The Years Are Short".  There are days where bedtime cannot come soon enough.  There are days when, well there are not enough hours in the day.  There are weeks that go by and I'm not sure how we made it to the weekend? But we did.  There are also weeks, when Wednesday hits, and it really feels like it should be Friday and I'm ready to throw in the towel,  today being one of those Wednesdays.   Time goes by WAY too fast.  In addition to it being a new year, it's my 40th year and my goal is to make it the longest year ever....stretch it out.  After all, I'm not 40 until August....so really I'm basically 39 for the majority of this year.  I'm not freaked out all at about turning 40.  It's not like I've researched various Doctors in the area specializing in botox.  No mid life crisis here.  Whatever. Now, only if I could get rid of the damn mini van.  SO,  I've decided to create a bucket list. Nothing too crazy, but I'm not playing it safe either.  Intrigued aren't you?  Me too. Stay tuned, it's in the works.
~Amen and Namaste

Fitting for today.....

Oh Sinner, why don't you answer?

H is making his first communion this Spring.  This morning we had a retreat, at church, to talk about First Reconciliation, which H will be doing next month.  Our priest, who has been with the parish for 5+ years, has won me over (not an easy task).  Today, he had a beautiful PowerPoint presentation, that laid out, in layman's terms, what Reconciliation...Penance...Confession is and why you shouldn't be nervous/afraid/anxious to go and repent your sins to the priest.  I'm not proud to admit that I haven't gone to confession in about 20+ years.  I think the last time I went was when they had communal confessions where everyone sat in church and thought/prayed about their sins, in their head, and the priest told everyone to say a few prayers and out the door we went.  Well, in those 20+ years, I've committed a book full of sins.  I'm not going to go into details, we would be here all day.   I've lost my faith in God, when my dad passed away.  Questioned my faith, when my grandparents were sick, done things that I am not proud of.  Everyday, even though I try to be the best version of myself that I can be, I commit some kind of sin(s).  As much as I want to go to confession, it scares me!  What I took away, at the retreat today is, what I already knew.  None of us is perfect, we call make mistakes/commit sins and whether it's been 2 weeks, 2 months, 20 years, God will forgive us.  I have 2 great aunts, who are nuns, and I know they have helped myself and my family, through many difficult times through, prayer, hand written cards/letters and phone calls.  We don't see each other often, even though we only live 20 minutes apart.  I think about and prayer for them often and admire them (having God as your boss is a serious gig).  I know they never pass judgement on me and accept me and love me unconditionally, as they do with everyone in their lives.    I am SO thankful for them.  Everyday I work on my faith and everyday I question my decisions and question the crazy shit that happens in this world.  I do believe in God and I am blessed to be part of a parish/community that is so welcoming and accepting.  I'm not sure where I was planning on going with this post.....I started writing it last night and I've been forced to watch football ALL day, therefore on my 3rd glass of wine.  Amen and Namaste.

F-A-I-L spells FAIL....

I had a bad, BAD day yesterday.  B would agree, the boys would agree, the cashier at the store would agree, the kids in S's room would agree, and my yoga teacher would probably agree....I'm not sure what happened to put me in such a funk but I was SO happy to say goodbye to the day.  The worst part about it was knowing that, not only did I let myself down and everything that I said I wasn't going to do going into 2015, I did, within a 12 hour time span, BUT I let my kids down.  H wanted snuggle before bedtime and I couldn't do it.  I told him no and went downstairs. I looked at Brett and said, "I am a horrible parent and I totally failed".    I sat there and tried to wrap my brain around what the hell was wrong with me. The only (sad/sorry) explanation I could come up with was that I am with 1 child ALL day, every day, at least 1.  By the time bedtime rolls around, mama is tapped...cooked...done.   B handles bedtime every night, thank GOD for B.  I went to bed last night and promised myself I would not wake up and act the same way tomorrow.  I woke up this morning and did my best to forget about yesterday.  One thing I did remember, which put a smile on my face, was one of S's classmates.  I asked him how his day was going and he said, "sometimes I'm a good boy and sometimes I'm not such a good boy".  I couldn't help but laugh and told him, "that's okay, no one is perfect".   I read this quote today, from Rachel, the Hands Free Mama.  We are all not perfect, mamas.  But, we have today to be the best version of ourselves and tomorrow to try again. Namaste.

Day 3

I had the most magnificent date night with my husband this evening. That's it. It's the little things. The things that we often take for granted.

Wake Up

I am one of those people that start every new year by with a laundry list of intentions.  Good intentions, some more realistic than others and the majority forgotten by noon that day.  What if my only intention was to wake up?  Pretty simple.   Go to bed and wake up the next morning. I went back to yoga today.  It had been a month and they were sending me emails asking where I've been.....That class kicked my ass and made me realize how much, in just 4 weeks, my body changed (the excess drinking and eating over the holidays was clearer than clear as I lay on my mat), how much my mind wanders, and how much I missed the physical and mental practice of yoga.  Yoga is my go to.  It calms me, it centers me and it makes me appreciate the little things, in life, that I take for granted.  Our teacher said something today that I kept going back to throughout those 90 minutes.  "You all woke up today, that's pretty fricking amazing".  It's that simple.  So, today, I will throw out my list of resolutions and instead, I will appreciate every morning, when I wake up.....keeping my fingers crossed that I don't lose my shit by noon, Amen.

2015-Day 1 of 365

Happy New Year!  I'm not sure where 2014 went?   It's come and gone and I couldn't be more excited to see what 2015 has in store.  2014 was filled with much laughter, screaming, crying, fighting, drinking, eating, cuddling, sleeping, going AND going ....and repeat.  Our little, is 15 months old and is the most mellow baby EVER.  Never, in a million years could I imagine our life without him.  Our middle little, is 4 1/2, already talking about and writing a list for his 5th birthday and is so ready for Kindergarten that he is going to walk into that school on Day 1 like he owns it!  When asked what words he knows that start with the letter 'F', his response is, "one, REALLY bad word and FIFA."  Our middle is still the most lovable, whiniest, smiliest kid on the planet.  He drives us crazy, daily and amazes us with his intelligence...I think he is going to help us with our retirement.  Our oldest, 10 1/2, with fashion sense like a basketball player with no clue how to dribble the ball, is finding his own, torn between what is "cool" and what is...O.  I have faith that he will figure it out, and B and I will be there to help him, every step of the way.  B and I wake up every single day, never knowing what will happen.  We take it in stride.  We argue, we yell, we hug, we love.  We go to bed, exhausted, knowing that under our roof, the family we created, loves each other, despite our ...differences, challenges and disagreements.  This is our life....our life....four boys crazy life.