Is the grass REALLY not greener on the other side?

As the end of 2015 quickly approaches, the last few days are typically the time where I reevaluate my life, my decisions, the choices I have made.  What could I have done differently? Who am I? What do I need to do to make the next year....better.  What can I do to make myself, better? I was talking to a friend of mine who told me, "the grass is not greener".  As I look around at my life, my husband, my boys, my family and friends.  I look at every single one of those relationships, the good, the bad, the ugly.  I also look around, when I'm out,at the people I do not know.  The older couple, holding hands.....they've probably been married for 50+ years.  I see the mom at Target, with her box of coupons and 3 kids, screaming.  I can see her trying to hold it together, just long enough to get out of the store and to get the kids into the car.  Once she sits down, I hope she takes a deep breathe, pats herself on the back and says to herself, "you did it".  I see married couples, young couples, same sex couples, couples of different races/nationalities....some with smiles on their faces, others arguing, some, so in love, you have to wonder when the honeymoon phase will wear off....or maybe it won't.  This same friend and I have also had the discussion of, "who has the perfect relationship"? Does it really exist? And if it does, for how long? I've been married for 13+ years.  B is my rock.  B accepts me for me, doesn't question, trusts me 110% and loves me unconditionally.  Is that enough? Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it's not.  When we are sitting in a room together and we are both on our phones, it's not.  When he is working his ass off, both at work and at school and as a dad, it should be enough, but I want more.  Does this make me selfish? Or does it make me long for the honeymoon phase, where we were living in different states and would talk on the phone for hours.  When we were together, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.  There was no stress, it was fun.  Maybe I miss the fun? Fun now involves a, house, dog and 4 kids.  All of which I thank God for every.single.day. At the same time, I dream about the day where B and I can get away, for a day, a night, a weekend, a week (ok, I'm pushing it).  I think it's easy to get off track.  To forget about what is really important.  To focus on what is fucked up, instead of what is good and what has remained constant.  2015 has been an amazing year with wonderful moments shared with extremely special people...I don't think the grass can get much greener than that.

Look out 40, I'm ready

Stay tuned....this girl is back in blogging action....

Be the change....

Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world".  Pretty profound shit.  What he didn't say was to change or become anything other than who you are, regardless of who's asking.  Instead, constantly work on becoming the best version of yourself.   I think we all struggle with self acceptance.  Some probably more (hand raise) than others. A few nights ago, my oldest was playing on the xbox with one of his friends. Technology, while I feel I'm pretty hip, still amazes me.  His friend was at his house and O was at ours.  I could hear the conversation that O was having with him and it was obvious O was getting upset.  After a few minutes, he came upstairs crying.  Now here's the deal, I will let my kids handle shit on their own, I really try not to get involved, BUT when you make my kid cry, ALL bets are off. This kid, who O claims is a "really great" friend, kept making the same stupid comment to him, even though O asked him repeatedly to stop.  O is a lot like his mama, he can and will hold a lot in, but once it reaches that limit, that point where your fucking head is going to explode, look out.  I sat down with him that night and we talked about friendship and kindness and no matter who you are, or what you do, your real friends will ALWAYS have your back and never expect you to be anything more or anyone different than who you are.   With friendship comes honesty, trust and a true understanding that we are who we are, and even on our best days and our worst days, our friends accept us, regardless.  They don't try to change us. The people I want to be around accept me, for me.  They don't ask me to be anyone different, ever.  I hope as O, and the rest of the crew get older, they will hold onto the dear friendships that they have made along the way, toss to the curb that assholes that make me want to put my kids in a bubble, and just be kind fucking human beings, and know that there are good people in this world...hold onto these people, they will be your lifeline, forever.  Life is not always easy, it's not always fun, but at the end of the day, it's what you make of it, everyday.  It's who you choose to surround yourself with and who you chose to break free from when when you know the fight is no longer worth fighting for.

Girls just wanna have fun

As I slowly, ever so slowly, creep upon my 40th birthday, a few things have become crystal clear.  I am in such a great place right now...physically, emotionally, mentally.  I am having the time of my life.  I am surrounded by people who love me, for me.  I want to laugh, I want to dance, I want to smile....a smile goes such a long way.  I want to meet people, catch up with long lost friends and laugh, fucking laugh until my face hurts.  I want to share stories, talk about my kids, learn about your life. Life is short, really fucking short. You never know. You've got to enjoy every.single.day, no regrets. I want to keep it real and honest. I don't want it to be serious. Serious is boring.  I want to see my friends at brunch, which carries over to happy hour, which turns into midnight.  I want to watch my husband skip around the place like he owns it, with that goofy fucking smile on his face.  I want to talk to my sister, on the other side of the world and scream, "YOU made it, YOU are almost home." I want to hug my kids and let them know that no matter what they do in life, good, bad, ugly, I will be there for them and I will always remind them what remarkable, amazing human beings they are.   I want to meet new people and carry on conversations like I've known them for years.  I want to bump into old acquaintances and catch up as if not a minute went by.  I want you to smile, always, because I am always smiling back at you, wherever we are. Let's fly.

#truth #noregrets

You talk too much....

Run D.M.C had it going on when they wrote this song.  Have you ever met someone that seriously talks and talks, repeating themselves, while contradicting themselves?  Saying the same shit over and over again.  I've heard it all, 100 times before, but sure, I'd love to hear it again. I think it may be a nervous tendency?  Or maybe, you are not as confident as you say you are?  I've got news for you, it's okay to be you.  I actually like the real you.  You should be that person more often.  Like everytime we communicate.   My favorite is when it's just a shit storm of complete and utter bullshit that comes out of their mouths.  I let these people talk, because at the end of the day, I truly believe that THEY believe what they are saying.  Who am I to try to change that? Who I am to cut them off and remind them of what they said earlier? Sure, I could tell you that yesterday you said something completely different.  Most certainly I could remind you that you texted and said that, which totally contradicts what you are saying now.  BUT, it's not my place.  So, instead, I will sit and listen, because I care about you.  I really do care about you, as a person and as my friend.   I've learned that sometimes it's better when I keep my mouth shut.  Some things are better left unsaid. I have walls built for a reason people, it's to keep this kind of chaos out. Ain't nobody got time for that. In all seriousness, as I've gotten older, I've become much more honest with myself and with others. I expect the same from my people.   I am, who I am, all of the time.  I don't justify it, I don't twist and turn it, I own it, I feel it, I will most certainly tell you, it's my story and I'm sticking to it....always, every.damn.day.   Yep, I have feelings, we all do and it's okay, I promise. Sometimes it's scary as hell, it doesn't always make sense, but I own it.  We should all just fucking own it. ~Namaste.

Blame it on the Rain

I've done some crazy shit in my life.  My hope would be that we all have.  We all deserve to get a little nutty once in awhile.  I don't have many regrets, however, I know along the way I've hurt a few people and I probably didn't make the best choices.  I sometimes think I'm invincible.  Growing up, I could pretty much get away with anything and my dad would bail me out.  I think he understood...silently, because he too, was far from perfect. I do believe in karma and it scares the shit out of me.  I also believe that we are responsible for the choices that we make.   We have the choice NOT to do something if it has the potential to hurt someone else.  Sometimes, the heart overrules the mind and the gut, and this is when things go haywire.   I'm not good with apologies and I don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  I would rather push you away, than allow you to get to close.  I have a permanent wall, that has been built over time.  It's strong as shit and only a select few are allowed inside.  Once you are in, please do not screw it up.  It's kind of an oxymoron.  I am one of the most imperfect people yet I expect you to be perfect.  I love deeply, probably to easily.  I want the best for people, not always for myself.  I want to love, always, unconditionally, without question, not only when it's convenient. I want to be loved, as I am...all of me.  I want my boys to be great men.  Hardworking, loving, loyal, trustworthy.  I want them to be good partners, husbands, fathers, friends. I want them to make mistakes, to get into trouble and I want to be there every step of the way.  I want them to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to say you are sorry.  It's okay to not always be the best version of yourself.  As I head into the last few months of my 39th year, I want to be happy.  I want the next few months to be a beautiful transformation of who I am, not who I want to be.  I want to be more accepting of myself. I want to live freely. I want to be me.

Mama Bear

I tend to take in the people that need it the most.  I'm almost a magnet to those that are SO much like me, yet SO different.  I'm a protector, a mother, a lover, a friend, a mama bear.  I will love you with every, single, living, ounce of my soul....BUT, once you fuck it up, it's done.  I like to make sure that everyone is okay,  that everyone is happy.  I offer good advice, I always make sure your drink is full, and most importantly, I truly want you to be okay.  Am I okay?  Sometimes.  Do I take the advice that I give?  Not always. Do I expect the same love, the same respect that I give?  Probably not.  BUT, I'm working on it, ALL of it, daily.  I was talking to a friend the other day who has been married for a while.  You know the story; work, kids, marriage. It's hard, it's really fucking hard.  And, with everything, it gets old.  It's the truth, it ALL gets old. If you are doing the same job, for years, you are going to get bored.  If you eat the same thing for breakfast, every, single day, it's going to get old.  If you've been married or with the same partner for longer than 5 years...and then you throw kids into the mix,  I have news for you, it's going to get old.  I LOVE my kids, but I'm telling you, it's hard.  It's exhausting. It's a full time job.  SO, you have a few choices; 1. Mix it up so it becomes new again. So the love you once knew comes back, maybe not completely, but it comes back.  2. Bitch about it, to anyone who will listen, while your spouse/significant other probably sits there in the dark thinking everything is A-OK...or they are bitching to their friends about the same thing or 3. Decide to move on, throw in the towel, declare defeat.  We all change, as the years go by.  It's life.  I grew up in a house where there was no moving on.  My parents stayed together, for the sake of our family, and they shouldn't have.  I don't know how much more/less fucked up I would be?  But, I can tell you, I am glad they stayed together....I can't even believe I just typed that.  I lived in a house, under a roof, regardless of their relationship, where I knew I was loved, by two parents and that was okay.  It was good enough.  It was all I knew.  It wasn't perfect, it was highly dysfunctional, and my old therapist referred to it as "Chinese water torture"....I'll never forget that one.   So is okay, good enough?  Some days it is. Shouldn't we want more than just okay?  Of course. For right now, okay is safe. Okay is.....well, it's okay.  For today, okay is good enough.